Isolation in Limbo
It was as though I had been ejected from a container of some kind and at high velocity: but I was now in a form of unseen space, a space which was so dark that it was almost a void of creation, but I was aware of a space of some kind in which I existed, and all about me. There was a long stunned silence of thought in an instantaneous recognition of the obvious. “Bugger me, why did I not realise it ages ago—I am dead—you’re kicking the bucket old son!” Not expecting any answer I shouted out—“I am dead ain’t I!?” A ‘voice’ or communication answered, much to my amazement. “Well, if you were dead then you would not know it would you; just think lad, how could you think that you were dead if you were dead?”
This was in some ways the most relaxing comment that had come to me since the music episode had ended and thus in some way relieved the panic which otherwise would have ensued. I inwardly answered, “That is indeed hard to argue with, but from what I have seen thus far nothing would surprise me!” There was no answer to that but I distinctly felt the knowledge of something smiling. The sensation was now of existing in a literal space of some kind and yet very different to the confines of what I had taken to be my own collapsing mind and the things which had transpired within it: for now my mind was definitely perceived to be in a space, and free. I suddenly felt totally alone again, or so it was experienced to be. For whatever it was, the other degree of myself or otherness which seemed to have asked the questions was now gone again. I was alone. I guess I must have been fooling myself for it is obvious that I am dead, or at least on the way to it, for what the hell would I be doing here otherwise? For a moment I wondered as to whether I was dreaming; perhaps I fell asleep in the chair and this is all a dream and I will wake up in a few moments. But I knew that it was no dream for it was as real as life, too real; albeit so different. I could still see; for that I knew, but there was nothing to see; there was no creation other than myself, my mind in nothing, Limbo. It was indeed a state of isolation, of existing in nothing created. It was not as though one were simply in a dark place as such, for it was experienced that there was no ‘place’ to be dark.
It was like being stranded, left alone in nothing; separated or beyond any form of creation; abandoned. All creation having been switched off and having forgotten to take me with it. Not even a finger to wobble or anything to smell or touch. I thought how much I would loved to have seen a raindrop or felt the wind in my face. And that how I perhaps took such things for granted maybe. ‘Well, just when you’re enjoying yourself eh’, I thought. One could think of this in terms of either a Limbo experience or Mind Alone, for the effect and the experience are the same thing. Naturally I began to feel apprehensive, for one could not do anything. One could not shake oneself out of it for there was nothing to shake. I began pondering on life for I had accepted that this was the end of it, or the journey to the end of it. Strangely enough I did not seem as bothered about it as I thought I should have been, and even though I had been cut short in my prime, and at a time when I was enjoying life to the full. Well, I guess I am going to fade out any minute now and there is not much I can do about that now, so why worry about it! But if ever anybody or anything asks me if I want to ‘go on’ again then I shall certainly ascertain as to what they mean before committing myself.
After a while something switched on what I instantly thought was a star, a tiny little pinprick of light way off in the distance. I suddenly wondered as to why I thought that this star was objective to me, for nothing else which I had seen could really have been said to be objective in the literal sense; but this star felt to be absolutely objective. I was over here and that thing was over there, and thus real in objective terms.
I then questioned as to where all the other stars had gone but realised, or perhaps better to say suddenly remembered, that this was not outer space, but an unknown inner, or sub-space somewhere; and heaven only knows where. But if this is supposed to be heaven or afterlife then it is no great shakes; and give me Exmoor any day. Well, star or not it is damned obvious that I am not going to find my own way home from this place. And even if one knew the way back how the hell would one move in that direction? I give up! I began to wonder if my existence was now solely due to my thinking process perhaps. That is to say that I have no body or substance observable therefore perhaps if I stop thinking then I will cease to exist. That’s novel I thought, a bit like Hobson’s choice. By the same token however, if I were to keep thinking then perhaps I could hang about here for forever. But my thoughts do not thrill me to that extent so I did not fancy the idea of that. So perhaps if I stop thinking then I will cease to exist. So I stopped thinking. Nothing happened. I was still there; in nothing and nowhere. Well, that’s it then, so much for that experiment!
It occurred to me that perhaps the Christians may be right after all and that this distant light was perhaps Dante’s Inferno; Wow! Happy days! I didn’t think that I had been that bad however, and not that I believed such stuff anyway; but there you go eh! Movement seemed to slowly begin. Either toward the tiny little light or else it was itself moving toward me; but no, I felt actual movement somehow. Although I was not really thinking about it I somehow began to question, or at least begin to think, about my past life. If this light which is coming toward me (or me it) is death, then I really do have little time to think about life. What about it? Well, it was OK I guess, I seemed to enjoy most of it despite the pains and the poverty, the war and frustration. What did I amount to? Sod all really! Was it fun?
Fun!? I did not know it was meant to be fun; did I ask myself that question? What the devil is going on! Was it fun? Well, some of it was, but not all of it, I thought to myself. Would you do it again? Not the same one over again I don’t think, a different one maybe. Different in what way? Well, a little less frustration and pain, a little more passion and shared enjoyment. A more meaningful existence somehow maybe. What is enjoyment? Well, you know, enjoyment! No, you tell me what enjoyment is. Well, enjoyment is to love what you are doing, to do what you love doing, and to share that thing and that love with another person I guess. It is also the joy of taking part, the act of being a part of instigating and spreading that enjoyment of being; a harmony of body and mind in the excitement of experience with others, and also at times on ones own with nature. That, I guess, is what enjoyment is for me anyway. At that point I felt that I would love to see a tree or a green field; a blade of grass or a drop of rain, or at least to feel a breeze of fresh air. For they were all now lost and gone. It occurred to me that I had not done any breathing for a long time; and nothing to breath with.
Would you want to go on living now given the choice? Now that I have come this far I am not sure. It would have to have some meaning to it, some purpose other than mere pleasurable moments and sad moments which amount to nothing really. It would have to have something which is seen, known, to have some meaning to the suffering and pain which is the greater portion of life on earth it would seem. It would have to be worth the effort of the struggle involved.
Would I really want to live again now? I am not sure now; but what I think does not really matter now anyway; so I do not want to think any more; sod the lot of it. However, life was certainly better than being here and that’s for sure; and wherever ‘here’ is—the dungeons of my mind it seems. But whatever now then? In life I had the option of committing suicide if I had wanted or needed to; but I cannot even do that there-here. I wonder where those poor sods went anyway. Perhaps such an act is simply a short cut to where I am now, or where I am headed for... that light is getting bigger, quite close.... Good grief! What the hell... are they doing here?!
I suddenly became aware that I was drifting past other beings somehow; hundreds of the buggers. I could not see them as such but I somehow knew they were there, and I could indeed almost see them, a kind of misty outline of some kind. I could somehow feel their presence. I became aware that I was somehow passing people; or beings of some kind anyway. What the hell are they doing here in my mind, or my minds tomb or whatever or wherever? It was as if I was drifting through their dimension and yet somehow I could feel their presence and somehow ‘know’ them: an empathy of some kind. These people, whatever they were, were so good. I do not know how I knew that, but I just knew it, and I wanted to be with them above all else. If I were on a bus then I would jump off at this stop, but I can’t do sod all: I want to be with THEM!
I wanted to wave at them to attract their attention but I had nothing to wave; yet somehow I understood something; a bit like a conversation by telepathy I thought. I could feel them and know them, and understand them somehow. Stone me!—they said I cannot be with them... not now! Why not; I want to be with them, they are far nicer than many of the people I came across in life. They are different somehow; strangely different. Then, without more ado or a by your leave, I suddenly shot off like an intergalactic bullet, at terrific velocity and away from their dimension of existence, or their imagined existence whatever. And the light which had been a mere pin prick of light, the little star, was now much closer and larger. That is no star, I thought; more like a hole with light shining through it, or somehow rather drifting out of it. It was now almost upon me, or me upon it whichever. I seemed to be in some kind of free fall, a decent or diminishing orbit about it; spiralling toward it. It was almost as though I could feel my own movement now and almost a sense of rushing air passing me. Hey, this is quite fun, a good feeling. But I do not think it is going to last long somehow! I was no longer questioning as to whether this light was real but rather as to what it indeed was, for I was heading for it and fast. It is not a star, it looks more like a hole with light coming out of it from behind. Well, it would seem that it is perhaps the death star after all; happy days! Now is the time for all good men to come to the aid of Richard: some hope!
Well, what is going to be is now going to be, so sod the lot of it: for there is nothing I can do about it now. But I could go out singing I guess—more dignified than whining. What shall I sing then; it will have to be a short song: Arrivederci Roma? Auld Lang Syne? No, I think I fancy a bit of Bach.... that is certainly a hole... it IS a hole... with light shining through it somehow; what a beautiful light it is to be sure... radiant.... strange... this is IT, I am going into it.... stone the bloody Crows I am falling into it.... Wow!
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Circumincession of the Trinity of Being.
What happened next is impossible... I think! How then do we describe the impossible? An event occurred; one event, but it was experienced twice, and from two different perspectives or points of reference, and thus appearing as two events from hindsight. Yet they could not be remembered during the sequence. They could not be remembered for an infinite duration of time; not until this whole series of events was over and behind me. This event was in a dimension of a trinity of some kind; a trimorphic reality of self in some way. However, observation is always dualistic, the observer and the observed it seems; but it can take place from three different points of reference in sequence. Is it any wonder that we question our sanity for awhile?
I will have to describe the following sequence of events just as though it was experienced at the time and in the sequence in which the events took place. However, at the time, the first sequence could not be remembered during the course of the second sequence and thus it was experienced (at the time) as if I only went into the white light once. But from hindsight it was experienced as going into it twice—even though knowing it was only once. The alternative is that two parts of me went through two different holes at the same time. Confusing is not the word! Who would ask for any of this?
I did not experience actually entering the white light. One instant I was about to enter it and the next instant I was inside or beyond it. If it were possible to have blinked ones eyes then I would have assumed that I had blinked and hence missed it. But I know well enough that you cannot open or close those eyes. Moreover, I had no knowledge of ever entering the white light; there was nothing before this event for that part of me in this field. I saw the figure of a human form. It was tall, elegant, old; and standing on top of high precipice, like a cliff edge. I (this part of me) was in a location just to its left and a little way behind it. But I had no form as did it. I could see the left hand side of its face and form and way off into a strange kind of distance to the front and all around it.
I must have had two eyes for the reality was three dimensional. The space all around was like an eerie white mist and yet somehow without being misty; for vision was crystal clear. I could see over the edge of the precipice where this figure was standing right near the edge of a high drop. However, I myself, the observer, had no form, and this figure, or symbolic emanation of a figure, seemed as though it were not aware of me watching it, whatever it was. Moreover I had no remembrance of ever arriving here or of anything that had happened before. I did not have a clue what I was, or what I was looking at, or what either of us were doing here: wherever ‘here’ was. But it was calm, serene, peaceful, poignant, somehow meaningful, but eerie nevertheless; strange; mysterious.
I had no thoughts going through me, no feeling, no questioning; no power to think or reason (as one can from hindsight obviously), but just simply watching, and taking it in: and not by choice. I, or this part of me, was just an observer (as far as I know anyway). If one was being precise then that part of myself could be said, from hindsight, to have been like a spare member at a wedding or union (Mutual Convergence). And in the true and deepest sense of that meaning: a mere observer—in order to KNOW!
The figure was looking down in toward the whiteness which was a kind of enclosed but huge dome of whiteness. There was only the restriction of whiteness which created the perception of an enclosure or dome of some kind. But whilst I was observing all this a small dark aperture in an otherwise total whiteness just opened up, like the lens of a camera shutter (the round type). The whiteness was not a blinding whiteness but simply an absolute pure and soft radiant whiteness: but kind of misty. And yet the aperture which opened up like a hole in a wall was absolutely round in form and clear cut defined. But it was tiny; a small hole. A small dark opening in a ‘non wall’ of the mysterious white light; and me with no form, and this form of a figure about three foot in front of me and to my right, just standing there watching this hole appear. Then all of a sudden a small ball of gold glowing light popped in through the hole; and as it did so the aperture closed up like magic behind it... like a self-closing door.
As the being looked down (it sounds like a fairy story but it is the literal truth of the events so help me the god of truth), this small gold ball of light came through the dark aperture into the white light, and there it just kind of hovered, remained stationary, with this figure watching it and me watching all of it. As I said, as the small gold glowing object entered into the white dome then the aperture through which it had come, the small black hole in the white, simply closed up and became nonexistent behind it; and the light (gold ball) just sat there stationary; a gold ball of light surrounded by a pure white light. And all was still... for ages it seemed.
It was eerie, so quiet, yet so profound. There was not a sound or any further movement. All was utter stillness and quiet. Somehow it seemed as if the figure may have been an extension of myself with me having some kind of out of the body experience in some strange way; for I knew what was going on in its thinking; I think. Yet I was observing from a slight distance away... and objective. The small glowing object looked much like a Ping-Pong ball and its radiance was a gold glow which stood out in contrast to the surrounding pure and soft white light. As I watched I saw the figure shed one tear; one solitary tear ran down its left cheek; yet it was happy; so happy. I know not how I knew it, but know it I did. The figure was in love with the glowing object. Had I been in a position to think, ask questions or rationalise during that facet of the events, then I do not know what I would have thought or reasoned, or understood; but I could not. From hindsight it is very strange being a passive observer. From hindsight however, there are no questions to ask regarding that event as far as I am concerned; for all was understood—it explains itself. But to continue however. Nothing was said; there was not a sound; everything was as stationary as the grave with the exception of that teardrop slowly rolling down a face. No further movement took place. It was so profound beyond words. I was not sure as to whether the figure I had been observing was another part of me or not; indeed at this point I was not sure of anything, for I could not think; I was simply an observer.
The vision then ended as instantly as it had come about, and from that point I had no further memory or recollection of it ever happening; or not for a very long time yet to come. An infinite amount of time.
In the Second, or Parallel Entry.
As I said... this was no star, it is a hole with light shining out of it, and I am damn well falling in to it.... I am going into it.... Wow!
I did not actually experience going into the white light; I must have blinked or something. One instant I was about to enter it and the next instant I was inside of it. I was inside some kind of bubble—a bit like a cobweb eggshell, or one of those string lamp shades that gather all the dust. I was aware of myself inside this thing; like an embryo in an egg of some kind; or shell. It was the first time that I could actually see anything of myself since all this began. I was somehow sitting all cramped up like a bloody chicken in an egg; wondering as to what was on the outside which was so bright; and as to what the hell was going on now. But thinking did not come easy at that point, and perhaps simply more instinctive than rational thinking. But I could still think somehow. Beyond this ‘bubble’ which I was cooped up in was a pure radiance of brilliant and dazzling white light. A blinding light. I could not seem to think in the normal mode of thinking, although I could indeed still think somehow.
I had an instinctive urge of wanting to scratch my way out of this bubble or whatever it was, or at least see as to what was outside of it. But there was no form to scratch at. I could not touch anything even though I seemed to have some kind of physical form of some kind. I think it must have been simply too bright and blinding to see properly. I suddenly realised that the light was getting brighter and even brighter by the second; blinding and more blinding all the time. Or perhaps more light was getting in through the mesh of this thing somehow. I began to see something—or more true to say ‘know’ something: but what is it... I’m not sure... No, no no it can’t be... it is... good grief almighty... the thing outside... it is... it is ME!
(With that thought, that event, that vision and knowledge I was dead; gone; finished.)
I saw no form of anything other than brilliant and blinding light yet I knew that something outside was myself; it was made obvious; axiomatic; absolute knowledge. My being, my consciousness, started spinning, swooning somehow, spinning in a giddiness like a vortex of water going down a bath plug hole: a vortex of self existence diminishing into nothingness. I knew that my bubble was disintegrating in the light... and so was I... I am going... I am being damn well annihilated, melted down, disintegrated, burnt out, annihilated. It came to pass that everything ended; everything had gone; and I was gone. I and the universe were no more. It was the end of time.
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